Newt Gingrich proven to be an actual newt. Although they prefer the term salamander.

Under intense pressure from questioning at the press conference to announce his candidacy for the presidency Newt Gingrich conceded his name was not in fact short for Newton.  Rather it was a statement of fact.  He is a newt. 

Close to what seemed like tears, although it could have been pond water or some vile, newt secretion, Gingrich explained that on her wedding night his mother discovered the terrible truth.  Her husband had been tail-shaving, a practice common amongst newts at that time trying to pass themselves off as human.  Or what we would call normal law abiding Christian folk. 

When she saw ‘that thing’ down his trousers, seeming to grow before her very eyes, she fled their cheap hotel room.  Their marriage was annulled a few days later.

This revelation is bound to have some impact on his candidacy. Gingrich supporters have already been instructed to campaign only in wet states. 'Newt needs to be near water to breed at least once a day,' an aide said. 

Trying to put a brave face on it later in the day, a source close to the congressman said if elected president he may grow additional limbs to help with paperwork and wotnot.  This was later denied by Gingrich, who still hopes to pass as normal, as was the suggestion that his promiscuity was linked to the genetic ability to generate additional protuberances at will.  ‘It aint nothin’ of the sort,’ he quipped in that odd cowboy drawl senior Republicans seem to favour. ‘I am just a horny little toad.’

He later said that his choice of language was ‘unfortunate.’

The revelation has reopened old wounds with frog community about whom Gingrich was less than gracious in the debate over the pond-clause President Obama introduced at a late stage in the medi-care bill.  . 'In the end all that divides us is a tail' a spokesfrog croaked from a toxic swamp at the edge of town.

Gingrich has not done himself any favours in this regard, adding fuel to the aquatic race row.  When asked by a journalist if he would now support the campaign for newts to be referred to as salamanders, the official medical term for their condition, he snorted so loud snot flobbed onto the first row.  Snot or some awful pond juice.  ‘I ain’t no salamander.  I’m a newt.  Look, no disrespect but there's them and there's us. We just different.' 

Across town Mitt Romney was feeling the heat after it was revealed his name was short for something: mitten.  ‘What of it?’ he barked as journalists snickered into their cold lattes.

Later however it was revealed to this journalist by a disgruntled and drunk ex-aide after, to be honest, we’d had more than a few, heck you know how it is, we were steamin’ man, that the real issue is that Romney is upset his name provides fewer opportunities for online satire than Newt. To address this Romney is considering spreading the rumour that 'to mitten' is gay slang. It isn’t.

Breaking news: In an unconfirmed report a Virginia Frat student was rushed to hospital this evening in coma after reputedly licking Gingrich’s face 'Because he is awesome dude.'

Newts are rumoured by so-called science to have high-level toxicity in their skin.  I mean salamanders, not newts.  Whatever.  Then again it may have nothing to do Newts being a, well newt. This is the third case of extreme Republican poisoning in the state this year.  Doctors are reported to be at a loss, having only the devil’s ‘medicine’ to treat the malaise, after they rejected a buy-out from faith healers late last fall.

Last edited by fnord (2011-05-13 21:11:33)