#1 2009-11-04 13:10:53
C was once one of my closest friends, but we drifted apart as her inner demons gradually destroyed her. C was tall, blonde, stunningly beautiful, with an IQ in the stratosphere far above the IQs of mere mortals. She was a gifted musician; able to play the most difficult piano works with ease and had a beautiful alto soprano singing voice. She was the valedictorian of her high school and college graduating classes, able to crank out several A+ term papers the night before they were due to be turned in. She breezed through her masters program in only a year and a half. I entered her life several years after she completed her masters.
C experienced the breakup of her family, and a few other unfortunate events in her childhood, which caused the formation of a black hole of emotional neediness that plagued her for the rest of her life. Combined with her intense sexuality and sexual desirability, this set the stage for a series of disastrous relationships, which were a constant destabilizing factor in her life. Her extreme sensitivity was coupled with total recall and a capacity to remember events years later with all of their emotional intensity intact. This caused her to experience increasingly severe depression as relationship breakups and the deaths of family and friends accumulated over the years.
Her inner demons became more powerful as the years passed. She shot them with antidepressants and tried to drown them in an ocean of vodka to no avail. In spite of therapy and medication, her mental state became more and more unstable. Her public performances became less frequent and her finances and life became more of a mess. Her friends saw less of her but received long rambling phone calls that lasted for hours. She would cancel lessons with her students at the last minute and eventually lost all of them. Her mother bought her a trailer and supported her; she became a cat lady. Her friends drifted out of her life, unable to help her and unable to cope with the frequent emotionally draining phone calls.
Her piano playing and/or her voice can be heard on several CDs that are still commercially available. She performed with several classical ensembles, but was not a headliner. A church where she was once the music director found out about her death months after the fact and announced a memorial service. Her obituary is vague, stating she passed away from natural causes earlier this year, and it has huge gaps, as if it were written by someone who didn’t know much about her.
As I’ve thought about C, my own inner demons have been phoning like mad, suggesting we get a resort rental, spend some quality time together and renew our relationships. Unlike C, my demons have become pale anorexic shadows of their former selves. Occasionally I receive a postcard or Christmas letter suggesting we get together for lunch, but otherwise I don’t hear from them. As I’ve talked with people who knew her, we’re all sad and feel a bit of guilt, even though none of us know what we could have done to change things for her. All of us had careers, children, or our own life issues that didn’t leave us the time or energy to straighten out her life. She was an extraordinary individual whose life flamed out and went supernova, and we all pulled back out of fear of being burned. And I know I will feel guilt about that for the rest of my life.
Last edited by fnord (2009-11-04 13:45:43)
Offline
#2 2009-11-04 13:40:16
I'm so sorry.
Offline
#3 2009-11-04 13:50:06
I have come to the point where I can no longer (attempt to) rescue people. You can offer help, or ideas, but if they don't move on it, or try to remedy it you are not any lesser for trying.
Don't beat up on yourself. I have buried many people over the years, who ran this same course. Habituation can be overcome, but it takes a giant size dollop of self-observation, and inner discipline. Most are disinclined to reign in the demons.
Bad news Fnord. Remember the good times, light her a candle, and offer a prayer up for her.
Offline
#4 2009-11-04 14:30:35
Dmtdust wrote:
I have come to the point where I can no longer (attempt to) rescue people. You can offer help, or ideas, but if they don't move on it, or try to remedy it you are not any lesser for trying.
Don't beat up on yourself. I have buried many people over the years, who ran this same course. Habituation can be overcome, but it takes a giant size dollop of self-observation, and inner discipline. Most are disinclined to reign in the demons.
This is very true. In the end we can only save ourselves--friends can offer assistance sometimes, but not salvation. Feel grief but don't feel guilt.
Offline
#5 2009-11-04 15:18:12
They're absolutely right, Fnord. I certainly went through a period of dangerous behaviors that very nearly killed me, and while I was fortunate that friends stepped in, ultimately the decision to pull myself out and rebuild my life rested upon my shoulders.
You have my sympathy - this stuff sucks and there's no avoiding that - but as the others pointed out, you knew her too at her best. Don't negate the mistakes she made or play them down, but do remember the incredible beauty she created, and give recognition to the entire woman behind all that.
My condolences.
Offline
#6 2009-11-04 18:00:31
Sorry to hear this fnord. Anyone who has invested everything to save someone from him/herself knows what a frustrating and and nearly hopeless task it can be.
Offline
#7 2009-11-04 18:39:00
I too am sorry about your friend C. It is hard to put distance between yourself and a loved one who is determined to run into the fire. I have been in the same spot, tempted to run along with them while trying to talk them down, or maybe even thinking of going along for the ride, but knowing it would do neither of us any good. It is as hard as it gets, but there comes a time when you've got to let them go and take care of yourself. Let your guilt go as well, if you can.
Offline
#8 2009-11-04 19:01:31
Hey Fnord, just popping by and read this thread. Nice bit of word gifting there, and my heart goes out to you. Been there a little. know what it's like. Stay strong, bitch. Horsey.
Last edited by Horseonovich (2009-11-04 19:01:57)
Offline
#9 2009-11-04 20:34:27
I'm sorry, Fnord. I hope in time you can heal.
I approach 'saving' people emotionally the same way I was trained to do water rescue in Boy Scouts and when I trained to be an EMT. The old adage goes "Reach, Throw, Row, Go"... so you try to rescue a drowning person first by reaching out with a pole, then by throwing a flotation device, then by rowing out to them, and finally, and only as a last resort, going in yourself. The reason you don't dive in first is because the frightened, struggling victim will almost surely drown you both when you do.
Emotional drowning is like that too. So I reach out to people and try to help... if that doesn't work, I try to find a resource that can help (professional) and toss that to them... if that doesn't work I try to 'row' out to them metaphorically by personally carrying them to a helping resource. But I never, never dive in after them... Like most folks, I'm not strong enough of an emotional 'swimmer' to survive being pulled down via their trashing.
Offline
#10 2009-11-04 22:58:57
My deepest sympathies. I would second what Taint and others have said. Do remember her as more then what touched you as trouble. A life is more then what happens at any one given time or any series of events. It comprises all one has experienced and has many sides. She sounded like hers was quite full.
Offline
#11 2009-11-05 11:20:00
Mental illness is a bitch. Sometimes the person can't save themself, and if that's the case you don't have a chance of saving them either.
It sucks. I've been there more than anyone I know.
Sorry for your loss.
RT
Offline
#12 2009-11-05 17:59:26
Fnord I'm very sorry for your loss. That was a powerful eulogy.
Offline
#13 2009-11-05 18:02:22
To absent comrades, fnord.
Offline
#14 2009-11-05 18:43:05
Words aren't really much of a help at a time like this, but for what they're worth, there are a lot of fine ones in this thread. Take what comfort you can from them, and remember the good times.
Offline
#15 2009-11-06 04:44:59
Fnord, you know that you and I don't see eye to eye on one very prominent issue, but I can totally identify and sympathize with this one. The guilt you feel is better than the draining of your soul that can take place when you don't know when to let go. You can't save anyone, all you can do is be there if they decide to take your hand. My vehement excoriations of your opinions do not mean that I am not glad that you seem to have taken the healthy way through a difficult and painful situation. Hang in there.
Offline
#16 2009-11-06 05:26:31
Thank you everybody for your kind words. If only one or two factors had been different, her life would have taken an entirely different course. Had she been a Rock Goddess, she would have been more famous and wealthier than Madonna, and it would have been the result of her talent, intellect, and stunning appearance instead of publicity caused by being deliberately controversial. She might still have died young (she was 51) but her fans would have known when she passed away instead of the word getting out months later. Had she not been emotionally insecure, she would have been able to use her intelligence to pick a good man who would have rewarded her with dog-like devotion for her extraordinary beauty and love of fucking. As it is, she was an obscure classical singer and pianist whose name wouldn’t ring a bell with over 99% of the public. Classical records don’t sell very well, so she never made a great deal of money. She lost her house (and her remaining shreds of sanity) in a divorce, and wound up living and dieing in obscurity in a grubby trailer park dependent on what her mother could spare from her savings and her teacher’s pension.
It will be a while before I can listen to certain CDs. Even when she is singing as part of a large choral group, I can pick out her voice in the crowd. And of course listening to recordings where she plays the piano will be impossible for a long time. Some of you probably own CDs on which she performed as a singer or pianist, but she isn’t always credited individually for her contribution to the performance. On several CDs she’s credited for her work in pulling the production together, which involved her individually coaching other singers one on one and playing the piano while they rehearsed until they got their part down pat. In her prime, she worked very hard to produce works of amazing artistry and beauty and she did it out of love for classical music, though of course she wouldn’t have turned up her aristocratic nose at the idea of better monetary compensation.
Last edited by fnord (2009-11-06 05:43:09)
Offline
#17 2012-10-27 21:37:46
A friend who worked with C on a number of projects passed away this week. P died from natural causes associated with old age and didn't die alone, so while I'm saddened by her passing, I'm not freaked out by it. Because of P's passing, I finally pulled out the CDs that C and/or P performed on and listened to them. In a way it's been therapeutic for me to hear C's voice and piano playing again, because it's brought back fond memories of her (and P's) public performances and my friendships with them.
Offline
#18 2012-10-27 21:51:24
Life is like this and as you are well aware creation = destruction. We all shall die.
I'm about to turn 48 and I've never attended a funeral; not sure what that says about me - however it remains a fact.
Congratulations on a long and fruitful life.
Offline
#19 2012-10-27 22:09:35
I'm sorry you lost good friends, Fnord. I can sympathize, as I am getting to an age where I have begun to see my peers and old friends passing, and it's very sad indeed.
Your original story reminded me of a song I know that never fails to bring tears to my eyes, and perhaps it may have meaning for you, too. Here's a link to the author, Colum Sands, playing it... "The Man With The Cap"...
And a quote I find is useful to me on occasions such as this...
Remember who you are. Remember what you love. Remember what is sacred. Remember what is true. Remember that you will die, and that this day is a gift. Remember how you wish to live, and that you will return to where you came from.
Last edited by whosasailorthen (2012-10-27 22:15:38)
Offline
